…is a day of not being a mother.
I want a day when I can get out of bed whenever I want to. At 430 AM excited about a mountain adventure or stretching lazily at 1030 AM after a long dozy sleep-in.
I want a day when I can go for a long trail run followed by coffee and pancakes. Or a day of skiing that doesn’t end with a frantic dash to pick up my kid “on-time” followed by hours of playing and feeding and bathing and rocking and listening to him gripe to himself for 30 minutes while he falls asleep. No, a day of skiing that ends with a leisurely beer and burger or some other fat, salt and carb-laden meal that you would never tell your yoga classmates about would be perfect. And currently unattainable.
I want a day when I can do something for myself without feeling like I am shirking my responsibilities.
I want to be able to buy myself a really fabulous pair of shoes without equating them to the number of childcare hours or tiny t-shirts or square footage in a larger home with a play room and a back yard so the child can run free, that they might buy.
I want a day when I don’t have to chose my hairstyle and accessories in order to minimize the likelihood that my son will try to pull my ears off or my hair out.
I want a day when I can wear a dry-cleanable or delicate fabric without knowing it is likely to be ruined by mashed banana or snot or torn by grasping little claw-hands.
I want a brain that can think these thoughts without immediately throwing in thoughts to help justify these ones. Thoughts like, “but I really really love my son and love being a mother and I want everyone to understand that even though I just want to relive one day before he existed because I squandered those days and didn’t realize how good I had it.”
I just want one day off.
We have friends that tells that having children is like entering a long dark tunnel. There is light on the other side, but you only get there when your youngest is about 4 years old and one day you hear them get out of bed at 6 am and the realization hits you that you don’t have to get out of bed too because they will be just fine for a couple of hours eating the snacks you have intelligently stored in a low cupboard and watching cartoons and so you get to roll over and go back to sleep.
I want to roll over and go back to sleep.